Good evening darling children, it's been so ridiculously long since I've bothered to take precious time out of my day to type to you, not like anyone reads these ridiculous things anyway, but I'm bored, so what can I say? ANYWAY, so earlier today I was bitching about work, but honestly what bothers me more than an obnoxiously boring day in the restaurant is people that don't bother to get jobs at all! I don't CARE if you're currently unemployed, or stuck in some crappy minimum wage, cause frankly I've been there many many times and I completely understand your pain. My point is, some people think they're ABOVE jobs or that they don't HAVE to work cause they're independently wealthy, or some happy bullshit like that. I mean, CHRIST! Take some time off if you REALLY don't want to work for a while, or have enough money where you don't have to, but go back to work at some point! You don't understand how aggravating it is for people working their fucking asses off for some pocket change to hear you bragging about your new house and your new fucking Maserati you bought on your parents fucking fortune! Go ahead, buy the house, buy the Maserati, they're lovely cars, but at least throw a couple thousand of your own hard earned cash in the pot just like the rest of us. Gah! ALSO, don't fucking bitch at me cause I smoke or do drugs every now and again or drink far more alcohol than I ever should, what you MUST comprehend is it's MY life I'm ruining and it's my body I'm desecrating... if I want your help or your fucking opinion I'll ASK for it! All ranting put aside, I have, with the help of darling Wikipeida, found an answer from my aforementioned question: Cyanide actually makes you vomit your own organs, which is ridiculously disgusting, so remind me to NEVER try that... ick. It's a little bit sad though, I always thought Cyanide would be super special awesome to try in America, but with side effects like that, I'm gonna have to say no to drugs... er, that particular drug at least. I do encourage you all to try it, however, I think vomiting your organs would be a uplifting and religious experience, so you should all go do it immediately... make sure to film it so I can watch it on YouTube and mock you... er... worship you endlessly. I've found that I really enjoy to dance, I would LOVE to be a dancer in a club or something, it gives me such a beautiful natural high! I'm all for drug induced highs they're FAR more entertaining, but when it comes to dancing, I prefer it even over drugs, which is quite a big thing for a druggie freak like me. So seriously, besides the massive amount of drugs that you should join me in abusing you should all take a moment to just dance for no reason at all, it's ridiculously fun, I'm sure you'll agree... at least I hope you do, cause I sound absolutely lame saying something like that... like some peace loving hippie freak. Although I do also love hippies, they're so ridiculously entertaining... I myself am far from being one, I suppose that's a little tragic, but I don't mind being a fetish obsessed insane short little freak. It gives me much much entertainment. Anyway... I'm gonna leave now cause typing ceases to amuse me.

Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, deathy, deathy, doom, and death, and doom death of death doomish crap that is deathy in nature. A la dee da da you are my hero! A la dee da da ooh ooh ooh! I came to bring the pain hardcore from the brain let’s go inside my astroplane! Weeee, and then I drank coffee, cause coffee is incessantly good. Good is the coffee of goody goodieness, without it I would most likely die. Oh coffee darling, don’t leave me, be my coffee forever more, I shall consume you in love, my darling, sweet, lovely coffee, you bring me joy, I shall be thy loyal slave, oh coffee. Ah, I’m almost out of vending machine mocha frappuccino. Fucking vending machine. You know what I hate? Vending machines. That’s right children, vending machines are pure evil, they don’t really want to sell you stuff, they really want to suck out your soul. You should never trust anything that spits drinks and snacks in your face, that can only ever mean demonic possession. Vending machines suck. I kick them. Sometimes when I kick them hard enough, repeatedly, they give me a free soda, or a free snack, which automatically makes the years of pointless foot-numbing vending machine assault totally worth it. Oh dear god! Why?! Why do the machines of pain and death and all things vendy torment me so? Why! Aw, now I’m really out of coffee. No! Oh the humanity! The coffee of love and joy and pretty caffeinated goodness has left me! Oh coffee! How could you be so cruel?! Even after I was so good to you! How could you leave me like this?! No! Please! Don’t leave me! I beg of you! Without you it’s so, so, cold and dark! Please, coffee! Don’t let them hurt me anymore! Please rescue me from this endless torment! My darling! You alone can save me! Please don’t let the men in the white coats come back! Don’t let them come back for me! I don’t want to get sprayed with a high-powered fire hose! It don’t feel pretty! The chains! The chains! Oh, god! The chains! Why, why did you let this happen to me? I gave you everything! Everything I was! Why did you let them force feed my natto down a tube shoved up my nose? Why?! I want a tomato! Someone give me a fucking tomato! I demand it of you! Whelps! Weaklings! Mortals! Ass-munches! Fuckwads! Give me what I demand or suffer the eternal consequences! I will rip out your eyeballs and put them in teabags! I will pulls out your intestines and make a karada out of them! I will suspend you by your toenails and nostrils! Eyeball tea! Muahaha! Meh. Let the lynching begin! And then they died, and then they died again, and then they died again, again. And then they exploded. And then they imploded. And then Christine ran them over many, many times. And then they burned. And then their ashes burned. And then they were no more. Cyanide! Okay, serious question y’all, when one consumes cyanide, does one vomit? No one can fucking answer this question! Does cyanide make you hurl? Someone test this for me, I really wanna know, man, I just wanna know. S’not cool that no one can tell me, man, s’not cool. Fuck off and die. No really. Die. Why, you may ask? Because death is deathy, and deathy is fun. That’s right kids. Dying is fun. Don’t be emo, though, that’s just boring, man, s’not cool, man, s’not cool. Ya know what else is s’not cool? IM language! Fucking spell things all the way out! Sure, mild use of occasional abbreviations are fine, but incessant lol lmao gtfo brb that apparently makes coherent sense is fucking annoying! C’mon, y’all, American English has been disgraced enough! Let it keep at least a small shred of its dignity! Mmmk, before ya get all flamey on my ass, I know none of this makes coherent sense, I know I made up like seventeen words, and I know I have stripped American English of all it’s dignity, but I did it in style. What style, you may ask? The lack of abbreviations, and that, my friends, is style. And…. We’re out.

Konnichiwa! It is, as always, Fuyuko-sama, your dearest wannabe Japanese chick. ‘Cept she ain’t even Japanese, or anything close for that matter. In fact, she’s sadly American, of mostly British descent, but born and harassed in America. First off, the Humane Society is full of crap; it’s really run by mind-controlling Dragons from a galaxy far, far, away. The leaders name is Steve and we IM on a regular basis. For him and his flesh eating zombie companions all the Vegetarians and Vegans on his mailing list are meals ready for delivery via teleportation. So, naturally, as soon as I woke up surrounded by rabid blocks of cheese, I immediately opened my iBook to check my e-mail. Of course, the 30-foot python that lives in my ear had eaten out half my brain whilst I slept so I was unable to feel the pain as the blocks of cheese slowly devoured me as revenge for all the cheese I have consumed during my 16 years of radioactivity. In my inbox was a glorious array of ads for porn, ipods, and insurance, all of which were really just trying to get you to sell your organs on eBay. In other news, apparently ‘tvandinternetboi73’ wants to pay me for sex, even though he has no idea what I look like, if he did he would know that I’m really a radioactive blob of toxic sludge. After I lit the python on fire for eating my brains, and half my face exploded from the radioactivity and the fire, I melted the man eating cheese chunks in fondue, which I dipped a strawberry in, cause nothing goes with flesh eating melted cheese like strawberries. Approximately .00008472 seconds later I was reduced to a state of boredom seldom seen beyond the hallowed halls of the 700 club, so I proceeded to peel the remaining half of my face off and feed it to one of my victims in the torture chamber. As long as I had already descended the 72000 steps to the torture chamber, I decided to kill someone. After ripping they’re heart out cause hearts are squishy and squishy things are fun, I choreographed an interpretative dance to ‘baby one more time’, which gave me a seizure, as dancing commonly does to all things shiny. After causing 17.1 hobos to have strokes, I kicked a baby in the face and stole it’s candy. The candy melted my tongue off, because, as I expected, the baby I kicked was really the anti-christ spawned from Satan and the doorknob on the second door to your right on the first floor, third hallway to the left from the main entrance of Michael Jackson’s basement, you know the one. For revenge, I relocated the anti-christ child blended its brains and made a taco out of its innards. After a most satisfying meal of taco and smoothie I solved world hunger, found the cure for cancer, and burned all evidence and documentation. I then built my much-anticipated 100% nitro-glycerin monument in honour of Luis’s angrogynousness and then cried chocolate rabbits when it exploded. I then ate all the chocolate rabbits, only to find they were injected with AIDs, I soon started showing the usual symptoms of AIDs, I broke out in a rash that pussed cyanide, grew hair on my palms, and sprouted an extra torso out of my left nostril. The doctor said I should get the torso amputated, but that’s about the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, besides, everyone knows the cure for AIDs is to inject nail polish into your bellybutton, so I fed my extra torso and right toenail to Hannibal Lector, and then cured my AIDs with red nail polish, I had to use red because most other colours would have clashed with my blood and thus ruined my entire chemical make-up causing me to implode -3.6 times. Of course the side effect of nail polish injections is senileness, so I cured that by running around in circles and then decapitating myself 1.987732 hours before noon on the 371 day of November when the moon teleports into an alternate reality and Jesus kills the sun.
I stepped over the threshold of my new school. A fucking private school, nonetheless, what the fuck was up with that? Private schools just ain’t my thing. Goddamn this shit! I kicked that wall, only to feel a throbbing pain in my foot, pissed at the pain; I kicked the wall with my other foot, which started to hurt as well. Where was that fucking python when I needed his scaly ass?! I turned around to see a group of girls whispering and pointing, no doubt about me, yes! This was it! Time to establish my reputation as the violent bitch.
"Ya wanna FIGHT?!"
The girls looked completely horrified.
"Jus' warning ya, BITCH, I'm RADIOACTIVE, so ya better watch your pretty ass, unless ya want your skin to fall off, like Jorden Ladd playing the role of Karen in the film 'Cabin Fever' directed by Eli Roth in 2002, who also directed the blockbuster hit 'Hostel' with the much anticipated sequel 'Hostel: Part II'!"
She just stared like me like a cow stares at an oncoming train.
"I'm sorry, I was supposed to be threatening you, DIE, BITCH!"
Then she ran, she ran like a demented monkey on crystal meth. I then spent the next 15 some odd minutes of my life laughing like a hyena. As soon as I regained my compsure and bit the chick trying to see if I was allright, I decided to solidify my reputation amongst the teachers and staff, now that the students already realized I was a psycho. Aw, yes, perfection, the 'dean of students' was one of those cliche fake, 'and how are we doing today', wannabe therapists types. She reminded me of my mother, whom I had devoured years ago.
"Good morning, you must be our new student, very glad to meet you I'm-"
"YOU HAVE PRETZELS IN YOUR EAR!"
"E-excuse me?"
"THEY'RE EATING YOUR BRAIN! OH MY GOD! IT'S HORRIBLE!"
"I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't understand!"
"My whole life is a dark room... one... big... dark... room."
"WHAT?!"
I then suddenly had a craving for pretzels, so, naturally, I bit her ear. Which of course caused her to shriek like an asphyxiating donkey.
"Mmmmm... Pretzel... SHINY!"
I chased the sunspot out the window, into a happy place.
"Miss, can you hear me, how many fingers am I holding up?"
"72 and a HALF!"
"I'm afraid you may have a concussion, can you tell me exactly what happened?"
"Augh! It's horrible! Horrible! Army of cyborgs render Zim's very flesh! Oh dear God, it makes me so happy! Hehe!"
"It could be serious, I'm not sure."
When suddenly out of the darkness crept a deadly ALIEN!
"No, she's always like that."
"GRANDMOTHER!!!"
"Now, now, child, lets go, you have to be the whore for the corpoorate vampires."
"...Grandmother? But, you’re a man! And you can't be much older then her?!"
"Shut up, human, what do you know? Pshaw, mortals."
So Webley and I flounced joyously into the moonrise to perform ritual sacrifices on the festering corpses of demon spawn.

Me: *smug*

Davey: You know, that’s the first time I’ve ever slept with a girl...

Me: How cute! That’s the first time I’ve ever had sex!

Davey: *blush* Did it.... Hurt?

Me: Ya, kinda... Nehe

Davey: ... How is that... Funny?

Me: *licks Davey’s nipple*

Davey: *twitch*

Vail: *walks in* So you DID lick his nipple!

Davey: *pulls up covers* WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!?!

Vail: ... I just got fucked by your former fuckbuddy!

Davey: Jade?

Vail: Yea.

Me: You knew that way too fast... That’s SO hot.

Davey: Me and Jade?

Me: Yea.

Vail: You better believe it, bitch.

Me: You are a bitch!

Davey: What?!

Me: I whipped you! Literally!

Davey: *blush*

Vail: Silly little dominatrix!

Me: So, how was Jade?

Vail: He was good.

Davey: You guys sound like your talking about the weather... Poor Jade.

Vail: Weather... Jade... Nehe

Davey: How is that funny?

Me: It’s not, she’s just weird.

Vail: Damn straight bitch! SOOO, how was Davey?

Davey: I’m not weather! Please! I don’t want to hear this!

Me: Exquisite, sexy, hot... Wet... *looks dreamy*

Davey: I’m not just good! I’m better then Jade!

Vail: You don’t think that Jade’s good?

Davey: I never said that, but I’ve never dominated... Why am I defending myself to
YOU?!?!

Linnet: *walks in and grabs Vail and drags her away* Sorry, carry on.

Davey: Hey! You’re that chick who randomly licked my nipple!

Linnet: It was showing more then your bulge, or lack of a bulge! You deserved it!

Davey: I just wanted to look better in tight pants!

Linnet: I know, but you still deserved it...

Davey: ...

Me: ... LINNET! DARLING!

Linnet: XAN! *embrace*

Davey: Wasn’t that kinda a late reaction?

Me: I never notice anything.

Davey: Yea, that’s kinda true.

Linnet: See ya, darling, I’ve got to take care of this. *grabs Vail and leaves*

*long pause*

Davey: Soooooo...

Me: Yea?

Davey: Um.

Me: Ya wanna go again?

Davey: Well, umm... Kinda?

Me: Pin me down again... That was hella hot.

Davey: *pins me down*

Jade: *walks in* WOOHOO! YA DAVEY!

Davey: WHAT THE FUCK, JADE?!

Jade: This is your first time with a chick, huh?

Davey: Now it’s my second.

Jade: Ah, you probably had your first whilst I was fucking that tall chick... Or the one with big boobs.

Davey: SHIT! YOU FUCKED TWO GIRLS ALREADY?!!?!

Jade: Yea, can I have her once your done?

Davey: NO!

Jade: Did you actually dominate for the first time in your life?

Davey: YES! SHUT UP!

Me: ‘Cept when I whipped him...

Jade: HOLY SHIT! YOU’RE A DOMINATRIX?

Me: On occasion.

Jade: You can whip me if ya like... I’ve never been whipped. ‘Cept for that time... And that other time...

Davey: I feel so inexperienced...

Me: It was my first time...

Jade: Wow, you even deflowered someone... Slut.

Davey: Shut up... You’re the slut.

Jade: I’m prepared to admit that. She’s a slut too, I mean, she’s a dominatrix... They’re all sluts.

Me: I’m also prepared to admit that.

Davey: GO AWAY!

Jade: Touchy, are we.

Davey: NOW!!!

Jade: Fine... Bitch... *leaves*

Me: The moments totally passed... Sorry

Davey: *mumbles* fucking Jade

Me: what about fucking Jade?

Davey: No not FUCKing, fucking...

Me: I’m not seeing the difference....

Davey: Nevermind...

Me: That’s a Nirvana album!

Linnet: *randomly appears... Again* NIRVANA!

Davey: I give up! *puts on clothes and leaves*

Linnet: Soooooo....

Me: Yeaaaaa...

Linnet: We ARE sharing a bed tonight...

Me: LET’S GO!

*next day*

Davey: I can’t believe I just slept with the chick that slept with the chick I slept with yesterday.

Linnet: Why?

Davey: It just seems... Odd.

Linnet: Why?

Davey: I dunno.

Linnet: I was surprised actually.

Davey: Why?

Linnet: You actually DO have something.

Davey: WHAT?!

Linnet: The lack of bulge becomes even more of a mystery.

Davey: I ALREADY EXPLAINED THAT!

Me: *walks in* Oh, hey, do either of you have my garterbelt, I seem to have misplaced it.

Linnet: No.

Davey: No, but you can have one of mine... I have two vinyl ones, you can take one.

Me: Mmmk.

Linnet: You wear garterbelts?! THAT’S SO AWESOME!

Davey: I need something to hold up my stockings!

Linnet: You wear stockings?! THAT’S SO AWESOME!

Davey: um, yea.

Vail: *walks in*

Davey: WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Vail: Jeez, you don’t have to be so touchy about it.

Davey: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?!?

Vail: Do either of you have Jade, I seem to have misplaced him.

Davey: ... You don’t own him...

Linnet: I just saw him at the mirror.

Vail: Mmmk... Thanks.

Me: Thanks for the garterbelt, babe!

Davey: Sure....

Linnet: Gotta go.

Davey: Do I want to know why.

Linnet: To fuck Adam... ‘cept he reminds me of my English teacher... That might be a little disturbing.

Davey: ...?

Cora: Hey, where have you people been?

Linnet: Fucking various AFI members.

Cora: Did Alexandra have Davey’s child yet and then kill it cause she hates children?

Linnet: It’s only been two days.

Cora: Oh, right.

Davey: WHAT?!

Cora: Don’t get Alexandra pregnant.

Davey: ... I .... Won’t?

Cora: Good choice...

Linnet: see you people.

Cora: Jade?

Linnet: Adam.

Cora: Ah.

Davey: Doesn’t this at all bother you?!

Cora: You get used to it... Gotta go buy tails for the prom.

Davey: Huh?

Cora: I’m taking Alexandra.

Davey: But I’m dating AND fucking her!

Cora: Aren’t you a little old for proms?

Davey: *dejected* I’m only 30.

Cora: And Alexandra’s only 16.

Davey: *cries* I feel so dirty.

Cora: Don’t.

Davey: Why?

Cora: Because Alexandra’s a slut.

Davey: Ah.

Cora: I can’t believe I missed her slutty endeavors again.

Davey: WHAT?!

Cora: Nevermind.

Linnet: *appears* THAT’S A NIRVANA ALBUM! *disappears*

Cora: Oh yeah, Alexandra told me to tell you that she’s going to defenestrate you.

Davey: She gonna throw me out a window?

Cora: I guess.

Davey: Like, an actual window?!

Cora: Kinky, huh?

Davey: HOW?!

Cora: I don’t know.

Davey: I’M SO CONFUSED!

*one hour later*

Hunter: This fucking sucks, everyone's been fucked 'cept me... FUCK YOU ALL!

Me: Wait... did you mean that literally?

Hunter: Maybe... did you take it literally?

Me: I dunno... maybe... did you mean it literally?

Cora: This conversation is doomed to fail.

Linnet: SHUT UP!

Vail: ...look at all the pretty squirrels!

Davey: DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING SQUIRREL TO YOU?!

Vail: Maybe...

Linnet: Ignore her.

Cora: You don't look like a squirrel to me.

Me: Me, either... you look like the lead singer of AFI, Davey Havok

Davey: I am Davey Havok...

Me: REALLY?

Davey: yea...

Me: WOW! HEY EVERYONE! I FUCKED DAVEY HAVOK!

Cora: We know.

Davey: You really don't notice anything.

Me: Not really.

Vail: *pokes Hunter*

Hunter: Wanna fuck?

Vail: *pokes Hunter*

Hunter: Hello?

Vail: *pokes Hunter*

Hunter: ...

Vail: *pokes Hunter*

Me: This is getting REALLY repetetive.

Linnet: No shit.

Hunter: STOP POKING ME!!!!!!!!!!!

*long pause*

Vail: *pokes Hunter*

Hunter: *screams and runs off*

Linnet: Someone should really fuck him... poor Hunter.

Me: I still need to fuck Jade... *leaves*

Vail: I still need to fuck Davey... *leaves*

Cora: I will have part in this madness... *leaves*

Linnet: *sigh* Why must I be the whoriest one? HUNTER!

Hunter: *returns* Waddaya want?

Linnet: Wanna fuck?

Hunter: YAH! *in his mind* Joy, I get the one with big boobs.

Linnet: I can read minds, ya know.

Hunter: ... really?

Linnet: Yea...

Hunter: How do you reply to something like that?

Linnet: I dunno.

Hunter: Whatever... lets do this....

*five minutes later*

Hunter: *pants* Christ, woman

Linnet: *yawns* That's what Xan always says.

Hunter: You're YAWNING?! BITCH!!!

Linnet: I've fucked the whole band in two days! I'm fucking TIRED! No pun intended.

Hunter: Fine... Whatever....

Linnet: *asleep*

Hunter: ...

Linnet: *asleep*

Hunter: This... Sucks...

Vail: *walks in* Davey wouldn't fuck me... he said later... wanna go?

Hunter: YES!

*fifteen minutes later*

Hunter: At least that one lasted longer...

Vail: HEY! Are you saying Linnet was BETTER then me?!

Hunter: No... she just kinda seemed to wanna get it over with.

Vail: Nehe...

Hunter: How is that funny?

Vail: Nehehehehe

Hunter: ...

Me: *appear* Jade was GOOD... but not as good as Davey!

Vail: That's only cause you like Davey better.

Hunter: So, no matter how good Jade was, you're gonna say Davey's better?

Me: Yea.

Hunter: That's fucked up.

Me: Davey was funner to whip.

Cora: *walks in* Don't you mean more fun?

Me: No.

Cora: ...

Me: DAMN YOUR STUPID INTELLIGENCE!

Cora: That's an oxymoron you know.

Me: GAH!

Cora: *laughs*

Hunter: Wait... whip?

Me: Yea, Jade ENJOYED it more... but Davey begged for mercy more... and he cried... that's totally adorable.
Hunter: You made Davey CRY?!

Me: Yea.

Hunter: *cowers*

Cora: You should defenestrate him. It'll be kinky.

Me: Mmmk

Hunter: What?

Me: *grabs Hunter and throws him out a window*

Cora: I was being sarcastic

Me: Ooops.

Linnet: *awakens* You didn't kill him did you?

Hunter: *to me*YOU, BITCH! HOW IS THIS KINKY?!

Linnet: Nope, he lives.

Me: *to Hunter* BLAME CORA!

Cora: Wait! Don't blame me!

Linnet: *falls asleep*

Cora: Is she anemic?

Me: Probably not.

Hunter: I STUCK IN A FUCKING TRASH BIN! A LITTLE HELP!

Me: Mmmk *jumps out the window*

Cora: *shakes head and joins Linnet in sleeping*

Me: *walks in covered in trash and looking pissed*

Hunter: *walks in covered in trash and whip marks with his shirt in tatters*

Me: I want a shower.

Hunter: *looks scared* Nice… um… whipping…

Me: MAKE ME A BUBBLE BATH BITCH!

Hunter: YES, MISTRESS!

Cora: *awakens* Ewwww…. Smelly…

Me: IT’S ALL HUNTER’S FUCKING FAULT *whips hunter*

Hunter: MERCY! PLEASE! I’M SORRRRRRYYYYYY! *sobs*

Cora: … what… the… fuck…

Me: *throws Hunter in bath* CLEAN THYSELF BITCH!

Hunter: STOP WHIPPING MEEEEEE! *sobs*

Me: STUPID WHOREBITCH… SLUTMONKEY!

Hunter: YES MISTRESS!

Cora: *eyes darken* SHUT THE FUCK UP!

*silence*

Cora: GAH! *rapes Hunter*

Hunter: *sobs*

Me: *laughs maniacally*

*30 minutes later*

Hunter: *drowning in the tub*

Me: *taking a shower over Hunters half-alive body*

Cora: *sitting in the corner mumbling*

Me: Ne, Cora… are you… erm… okay?

Cora: *maniacal laugh*

Me: You do that then.

Adam: *walks in with a towel around his waist* GAH! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

Cora: *grins evilly*

Me: *cracks whip*

Adam: Oh! I, see, you must be Jade’s friends!

Cora: *approaches Adam somewhat viciously*

Adam: Sure, Why not. *grabs Cora and slams the door*

Me: Awwww… I’m all alone.

Hunter: *blub*

Me: …or am I? Hehehe *grabs Hunter and gives him ‘mouth-to-mouth’*

*20 minutes later*

Hunter: *looking scared but satisfied* I’m a pimp!

Me: Shut up, bitch.

Hunter: *dejected* Yes, mistress.

Cora: *enters* I don’t know what came over me!

Me: How was Adam, he’s the only one I haven’t fucked yet.

Cora: He wasn’t half bad.

Adam: HEY!

Hunter: *cowers*

Adam: What’s wrong with him?

Me: I dunno, I though my darling, sweetheart, cute, sexy, Davey was the pansy one.

Adam: Yea, outside of Jade, Hunter’s the second most hardcore, what’d ya do to him?

Me: Threw him out a window, whipped him,

Cora: Raped him,

Me: Almost drowned him…

Adam: Poor Hunter…

Hunter: *shakes head* I’m good.

Cora: Actually, you are!

Hunter: … YAY!

Cora: *smiles*

Me: SHUT UP BITCH!

Hunter: YES MISTRESS!

Cora: Haha, Hunter’s Alexandra’s bitch!

Hunter: SHUT UP!

Cora: *glare*

Hunter: *glare*

Adam: …?

Me: STOP GLARING BITCH!

Hunter: Yes, mistress.

Adam: You’re not supposed to be so pathetic.

Hunter: She whipped me… and defenestrated me… I feel so abused…

Linnet: *appears* You are so abused… Adam, darling…

Adam: Yea?

Linnet: Be my kitchen slave, and help me in my quest of vegan muffin making.

Adam: I dun wanna.

Linnet: Oh, but you will!

Adam: No… I won’t.

Linnet: Wanna bet?

Hunter: I’m putting $20 on big boob chick!

Cora: $100 on Linnet!

Me: $880 on my fuckbuddy babe!

Adam: Yea! Well! $1000 on MYSELF!

Linnet: *kidnaps Adam*

*$1000 appears*

Me: YAY! *takes $880*

Cora: Score! *takes $100*

Hunter: I should’ve bet more… *takes $20*

Adam: *screams in the distance*

Me: I haven’t fucked him yet… LINNET! I NEED TO BORROW ADAM FOR FUCKAGE!!!!!!!!!!

Linnet: *from the distance* SURE THING BABE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adam: *from the distance* HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Linnet: *from the distance* MAKE MUFFINS, BITCH!

Me: Mmmmm…. Muffins.

Davey: Hey, babe!

Me: Linnet’s making Vegan muffins!

Cora: Heeeeeyyyyyyyyy…. Davey.

Davey: Yea?

Me: You, boyfriend thing!

Davey: Yea?

Me: HAVE SEX WITH CORA!
Davey: You want me to fuck someone that’s not you?

Me: THAT’S AN ORDER!

Davey: If you insist… Come on, Cora…. No pun intended.

Cora: WAI!!!!!

Me: Have fun, kids! And remember, always practice safe sex!

Davey: Sure… *leaves*

Cora: Yatta! *leaves*

Hunter: …

Me: …

Hunter: I’m gonna go now…

Me: You do that.

*elsewhere*

Vail: Yo! Hunter!

Hunter: huh?

Vail: You’ve fucked everyone by now haven’t you?

Hunter: Yea….

Vail: I still needa fuck Adam…

Hunter: Um… yay for Adam?

*at the muffin kitchen*

Me: Hey darling! May I borrow Adam?

Linnet: Sure, love!

Adam: Don’t I have any say in this at all?

Me: *bends over all cutely* You don’t want to?

Adam: *blush* On second though… SURE!

Me: *evil grin, pulls out whip* Then lets go *cracks whip*

Adam: *shock… smile* that’s so fucking kinky!

Me: And drummers have good rhythm!

Adam: Exactly! *smug*

Linnet: *making muffins* My girl, my girl, don’t lie to me…

Me: *skips off*

Adam: *follows*

Linnet: tell me where did you sleep last night…

Muffin: I RULE SUPREME!

*elsewhere*

Hunter: I’m fucking bored…

Vail: *pokes Hunter*

Hunter: *sweatdrop* Not this again.

Vail: *pokes Hunter*

Hunter: *sigh*

Vail: *pokes Hunter*

Hunter: *leaves*

Vail: *follows poking Hunter’s back*

Hunter: *twitch*

Vail: *poke poke poke*

Hunter: *slaps Vail*

Vail: *slaps Hunter*

Hunter: *slaps Vail*

Vail: *slaps Hunter*

Cora: *appears*…?

Hunter: *slaps Vail*

Vail: *slaps Hunter*

Hunter: *grabs Vail and kisses her*

Cora: …!

Hunter: *rips Vail’s clothes off*

Cora: *sweatdrop… leaves*

*elsewhere*

Linnet: Now my little muffins, you shall rule the world, understand?

Me: *appears* How are the muffins?

Adam: *appears looking dizzy* Muffin?

Muffin: VICTORY SHALL BE MINE!

Adam: GAH! *cowers*

Me: *baby voice* Aren’t you a cute little muffin! Yes you are! Yes you are!

Adam: …!!!!

Linnet: MAKE MUFFINS BITCH!

Adam: Me?

Linnet: PRECISELY!

Adam: …oooooooooooooooooook.

Me: *playing with the muffin*

Muffin: *playing with me*

Linnet: in the pines, in the pines, where the sun don’t ever shine…

Me: I would shiver the whole night through…

Adam: *getting bitten by muffins* GETEMOFFAME!

Linnet: her husband was a hard working man…

Me: just about a mile from here…

Adam: THE SUNUVABITCH IS FUCKING EATING ME!

Linnet: his head was found in a driving wheel…

Me: but his body it never was found…

Adam: *knaws on the muffin*

Muffin: *screams in pain*

Me: MUFFIN!

Linnet: You ate me minion…

Cora: *appears* Hunter and Vail are having sex again.

Adam: Aye!

Linnet: Why is we a-talking like pirates?

Adam: I’s am not knowing this.

Me: Yar.

Cora: … I needa find Jade… see ya.

Adam: Sure, whatever.

Linnet: You have fun with that.

Me: …yar.

Adam: … Um…. Linnet?

Linnet: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

Adam: One of your muffins just tried to eat me…

Linnet: … No it didn’t.

Adam: Yes, it did… see the teeth marks on my hand? Why do your muffins have teeth?

Linnet: They don’t.

Adam: Yes they do…

Me: It’s all and illuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusion.

Adam: … no it’s-

Linnet: *interrupting Adam* SHUT UP AND BAKE! BAKE LIKE THE WHORE YOU ARE!

Adam: ….

Linnet: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adam: o…. k? *bakes*

Linnet: Good little bitch-man!

Me: WOOHOO! *eats muffin and leaves*

Muffin: *begs for mercy*

Linnet: *resumes singing Nirvana*

*elsewhere*

Hunter: I don’t like you.

Vail: I don’t like you either.

Hunter: …liar.

Vail: Eh?

Hunter: You had sex with me twice.

Vail: You initiated it the second time.

Hunter: So?

Vail: So you don’t not like me either… *pokes Hunter*

Hunter: *leaves*

Vail: *pokes muffin*

Muffin: *bites Vail*

*elsewhere*

Jade: Wow, I thought you were the not whorish one.

Cora: I snapped.

Jade: I figured it was bound to happen.

Cora: What?

Jade: You would catch the whore virus.

Cora: It’s not a disease you know.

Jade: That’s what you think.

Cora: ?

Jade: …

Cora: ….?!

Jade: ….!!!!

Cora: ….?!?!?!

Jade: …. *rolls into fetal position and starts rocking back and forth* I’ll never teeelllel…

Cora: *backs away slowly… grabs clothes and runs*

Jade: *mumbles psychotically*

*in the muffin kitchen; the whole room is full of muffins*

Me: *returns; looks around confused* LINNET! LINNNNNNEEEEEEETT!

Linnet: *climbing out of the muffin pile* HELP! I’M DROWNING!
Me: LINNET! *climbs melodramatically through the muffins*

Linnet: XAN! *more melodramatic climbing*

Adam: GAH! THEY’RE EATING ME!!!!!!!!!!

Me: LINNET!

Linnet: XAN!

Adam: HELLO?!

Me: LINNET!

Linnet: XAN!

Adam: This is getting fucking old already.

Me: *reaches Linnet* Linnet!

Linnet: *embraces me* Xan, darling, I thought I’d never see you again.

Me: Linnet!

Linnet: Yes, my love?

Me: Oh, Linnet!

Adam: *escapes* …

Linnet: Xan! *sweat*

Me: LINNET! *moan*

Adam: …! *blushes, cause Linnet and I are SO hot together; faints*

*time passes*

Me: *pokes Adam with various sharp objects*

Linnet: *cleans the kitchen, which is magically devoid of muffins*

Adam: *awakens* Were are all the muffins?

Linnet: I sent them out to… *sleeps*

Me: Destroy the world… she sent them out to destroy the world.

Adam: Is she anemic or some shit?

Me: YES!

Adam: … Wait a minute…

Me: Ne?

Adam: Did you say DESTROY THE WORLD?!

Me: *cheerfully* Yep! Teehee! *cute*

Adam: …?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

Cora: *enters, pushes Linnet off the table and sits on it*

Me: *dodges Linnet*

Linnet: *sleeps*

Adam: …

Cora: Jade’s gone mad.

Adam: …?!

Me: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cora: Seriously, he’s fucking out of his mind.

Adam: JADE!

Me: … That’s HILARIOUS! *fits of laughter*

Linnet: *awakens… laughs as well*

Adam: *cries* Jaaaaaaaaaaaaade….

Cora: … *laughs*

*elsewhere*

Jade: mehehehehehehe… *gasp* meheheehhehhe… *long pause* What was I doing again? *looks confused* OH YEAH! *turns on PS2, begins playing DDR*
Adam: *enters* JADE ARE YOU O--- ?

Jade: Shut up! I’ve never beaten this song and I’m SO CLOSE!

Adam: … *sweatdrop*

Davey: *enters*

Jade: *beats said song* YES!

Davey: NICE! That song is FUCKING HARD!

Adam: … what… the… fuck…

Davey: *bored*

Jade: *horny*

Davey: …

Jade: …

Davey: …?

Jade: *rips of Davey’s clothes*

Davey: *happy*

*10 minutes later*

Davey: That was random. Don’t get me wrong, it was good, but random.

Jade: You’re just so sexy, I couldn’t help it.

Davey: I’m flattered!

Jade: You should be.

Adam: *covered in muffin bites* HELP ME!!!!!!!!

Jade: *making out with Davey*

Adam: p-p-p-p-please…. Jade…… Davey…… please.

Jade: *making out with Davey*

Davey: *doesn’t even hear Adam*

Adam: *goes into a muffin induced coma*

Linnet: *drags Adam back to the muffin kitchen* Time to make the Muffins!

Jade: *feels Davey up*

Me: *sitting in the corner recording*

Jade: *notices me* What… the… fuck…

Me: GAH! I’VE BEEN DISCOVERED!!!!! *runs away flailing*

Davey: … ummm…

Jade: Isn’t that the chick you’re calling your girlfriend?

Davey: yea…

Jade: you’re a sucky boyfriend.

Davey: Shut up.

Jade: Did she just record us fucking?

Davey: I think so.

Jade: Yea… just make sure she doesn’t upload it onto the internet… that would be somehow, bad.

Me: *uploads files onto the internet*

Davey: *looking on the internet* erm…

Jade: She already has, hasn’t she.

Davey: yea.

Jade: fuck.

Davey: *watches*

Jade: …

Davey: *horny*
Jade: *evil grin*

Davey: *smirk*

Jade: *rips Davey’s clothes off… again*

Me: *runs around the room flailing*

*in the muffin kitchen*

Cora: *pokes muffin*

Muffin: *giggles*

Adam: *in coma*

Linnet: *rapes Adam*

Hunter: *appears* … MY EYES!!!! MY NOT-SO-VIRGIN EYES!!!! *cries*

Cora: …

Vail: *enters* … *pokes hunter*

Hunter: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN?!?!??!!

Vail: …

Hunter: …

Vail: …

Cora: …

Linnet: *rape*

Me: *enters flailing*

Hunter: *leaves*

Vail: *follows poking*

Me: *flails*

Cora: …?!?!?!?!

Linnet: *flails*

Adam: *comas*

Cora: *rapes Adam*

Adam: *awakens* I feel violated.

Linnet: MAKE MUFFINS BITCH!!!!!

Adam: I dun wanna.

Linnet: *picks up my whip* Can I borrow this, darling?

Me: *pauses flailing* Sure thing babe! *resumes flailing*

Linnet: Thanks! *whips Adam* THAT’S AN ORDER!!

Adam: *cries whilst making muffins*

Cora: *laughs*

Hunter: *walks in covered in blood*

Cora: HOLY SHIT! VAIL!

Hunter: …?

Cora: YOU KILLED HER!

Hunter: … no I didn’t.

Me: *flails*

Adam: *muffins*

Linnet: *flails*

Vail: *walks in also covered in blood*

Cora: …???

Hunter: Oh… The blood?

Cora: What about it?

Hunter: Ask that woman.

Vail: *looks around absently*

Cora: So… Vail.

Vail: Yyyyeeeeaaaa?

Cora: What with the blood?

Vail: Blood?

Cora: Yea, all over you?

Vail: … *vacant* ... hmmmm

Cora: *sweatdrop*

Hunter: She killed the security guard.

Vail: OOOHH!!!!!!! I DID!

Me: *begins to lick the blood off Hunter*

Hunter: GAH!!!

Me: *lick*

Hunter: … *happy*

Vail: *vacant*

Davey: … STOP CHEATING ON ME!

Jade: If she’s cheating on you, what were you just doing?

Davey: … *guilty* Nevermind, carry on.

Linnet: NIRVANA!!!!!!!!! *muffins*

Adam: *muffins* Hey, Davey, Jade, Hunter… ‘sup?

Hunter: *fucking me*

Davey: *guilting*

Jade: *making out with guilting Davey*

Me: *has no idea what’s going on*

Cora: *begins to poke me with various sharp objects*

Me: *completely oblivious*

Muffin: *bites Hunter*

Hunter: *runs away screaming*

Muffin: *chases Hunter laughing manically*

Linnet: Aww… they’re all growing up so fast.

Adam: *growing rather fond of the muffins* Aren’t they cute!

I’m now going to ramble about the AFI concert I attended with Cora, Linnet and Lauren Vail. Shortly before said concert, Cora and I got into this whole discussion about how almost any word can acquire a sexual meaning, which is generally true. Except for the word, defenestration. When spoken it sounds sexual, but how is throwing someone out a window ever kinky? So we rambled on for the better part of ten minutes attempting to come up with some sexual scenario involving the word defenestration, naturally, we came up with nothing, but now it’s another one of those random ‘inside jokes’ that only you and a select few understand. I’ll never again hear the word defenestration without laughing. Joy to Cora and pre-concert ramble. Apparently, on the way over, some guy noticed me in my, um, interesting outfit, and begin to bang on his car door yelling ‘yes, yes’ and, sadly, I did not even notice, but I never notice anything. So one day, I’m totally going to get raped and I’m not going to even know until after it’s happened, but oh well, c’est la vie. So, yea, we eventually got to the concert, and decided that my outfit makes friends, that’s probably not a good thing, but it was a cool outfit anyway, so whatever. The mosh pit was awesome, if not a little painful, and I was wearing this Vinyl minidress that kept getting yanked below my boobs, which would then be smashed into the sweaty person in front of me, ouch. So now I have this weird bruise on my right boob, not cool. So then when Cora and I bailed cause it was painful and sweaty, I really wanted a drink. So I went around using my slutty dress as an aid trying to bum a drink, when I had finally given up hope of ever finding Vail (she had all of our money) or a guy willing to buy me a drink, Cora noticed this guy totally checking me out, so I asked him if he wanted to buy me a drink, and he said yes! And then he proceeded to buy me a nice cold beer without even asking for anything in return! Then I drank my beer and watched the concert. Davey (the lead singer) has such presence! I was about to hyperventilate, because he’s so gorgeous, he looks like a girl! Yay for Bishounen, but that’s completely beside the point, anyway, he’s pretty. So after noting the lack of bulge in his extraordinarily tight pants, once again, sexy, and his ass-shaking (practically vibrating) powers, I was about ready to pass out, it’s probably the most incredible thing that’s ever happened to me! He got all sweaty on stage and stuff and it’s cold outside so when he came back on for the second set his nipples were standing on end and totally obvious in his thin, tight shirt, sexy! I still kinda wonder where Vail was all this while, Cora was with me and I know Linnet was in the mosh pit. Linnet met up with Cora and I shortly after the concert was over but it took Vail an awful long time to come out, maybe she got lost in the crowd, or stopped to look at all the pretty, shiny things they were selling. They sell really shiny things at concerts. I got this sweet light up rose; everyone needs a light up rose. They also sell glow sticks, and t-shirts (that, sadly, do not light up) and various light-up paraphernalia! (That was drug referancy) I mean, come on, why would on need so much light up stuff at a concert, it’s a concert, not a rave. You need light up things at raves, because it helps add to the effect of all the acid you’re on, but since way less people are on acid at a concert (although I’m sure some of them are) then a rave, the need for lighty stuff should be far lower. It all seems so very ridiculous. But, I must admit, my light up rose (besides being completely pointless and ridiculous) is probably the awesomest thing I own, so, whatever. Anyway, I got onto a really weird tangent, back to the concert. Oh wait I finished talking about the concert, okay, after the concert, ah, yes, after the concert. So, after the concert, just for fun, these two guys asked me to kiss them, so I did, it was awesome, I felt like such a slut! I love AFI!